Is it supposed to feel this odd? I expected loneliness, sadness, even a bit of depression for a few weeks. I expected energy to be poured into tasks to distract my mind. I expected to tick things off of my To Do list like there was no tomorrow.
But I didn’t expect this. This distraction. This inability to focus, to complete a task. This feeling of…purposelessness (I think I just coined a word there!).
Okay, I hear the melodrama in that and I will say up front: Yes, I do still have a purpose, and I know that. No, I do not feel like my life is over, not by a long shot.
It is very reminiscent of the first few years after leaving the corporate world (where I received a paycheck for my work!), and becoming a full time mom (where diapers and giggles replaced the greenbacks!). I knew what I was doing was good, and I was happy with my choice — no regrets! And yet…I got up each morning with that little baby, looked around and thought, “Now what? Has my world shrunk to monosyllabic conversations and Fisher Price-sized friends and nieghborhoods?”
Eventually, of course, we settled into our “now what” and learned to balance the work and the play. And over time, most of my work and play became a means to an end — being the best I could be at a my new job, motherhood. Virtually everything I did had a purpose and a deadline, and I could see the good fruit growing from the seemingly mundane labor.
Now here I am with my mile long To Do list, the one I’ve been working on for months to ensure that every minute of my Empty Nest days would be full and productive. Yet I sit here, wondering again where the day went and what I managed to accomplish, growing more frustrated by my lack of diligence, astonished at my lack of productivity.
Then realizing…I need a real purpose.
So now I will go back to that To Do list with new eyes and new motives. Sure some of the things need to be done just because I’ve been putting them off for forever and a day. But some are probably unnecessary time fillers, and I truly believe God has a better purpose for me that just to fill time. And that, my friends, is my great comfort and encouragement, and where I would like to focus.
Have you recently experienced a change that is causing you to refocus? I would love to hear how you transitioned from one season to the next!